either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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