Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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