So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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