In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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