either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
