My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
