On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
