Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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