its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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