Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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