areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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