someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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