i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
