My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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