Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
this hospital has no fireball
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
