Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
