my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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