my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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