I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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