How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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