Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
