hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
