Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hippo gnu deer
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I need moral support for this bender
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
