I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
