i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
