Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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