I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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