His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I want to fling myself into the sun
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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