the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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