Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
