I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
