My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize