Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
