i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
