I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
