You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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