If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
