I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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