My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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