Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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