Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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