I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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