Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
