Sry I called you an 8
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
