I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
