Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
