Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
