wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
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If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
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Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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