i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
