My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
