Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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