i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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