On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
