Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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