ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
